It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
