Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
