Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the condom got lost in my hair
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize