They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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