Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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