The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
