i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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