Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
