You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize