remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
