I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
