i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Congratulations! We have a period
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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