my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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