This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
