im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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