sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
3pm strippers are depressing
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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