He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
