Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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