Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
