I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
is wine microwaveable?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
