Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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