I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
