I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
