There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
