I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
