I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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