either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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