I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
