I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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