went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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