I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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