i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
