Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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