and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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