We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
