Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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