we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's always time for handjobs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
