I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
