Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
