I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
