I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
