Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
