i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Rumble strips road head = magical
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
