I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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