my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
