my phone needs a breathalizer
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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