you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
