She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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