He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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