I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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