I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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