I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
