totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
