i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
