I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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