I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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