I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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