We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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