I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
